It's Bigger Than Me

As I have passed the halfway point of my contract to teach in Rwanda, I have noticed my emotions have started to swing a little bit more. I used to have the daily ups and downs from things like my students really enjoying my class. Or a down like realizing that we don’t have any food in the house and we have to trek to town to eat. These are just all normal parts of life that bring the usual ups and downs, but they have gotten bigger lately.

Heading over the halfway point has led me to start thinking about my future. What should I do? I don’t even know where I want to live? Do I want to stay here and teach these wonderful kids another year? Do I want to find something different to do in Rwanda? Do I want to go to grad school? Seminary? Do I want to find a job in America? Not only me but friends and family are starting to ask these questions too.

These are major questions that have really been weighing me down lately. I have been putting a lot of pressure on myself to make the right decision on these things. After almost an hour of internet time (which is almost unheard of here) looking at grad schools and jobs I felt defeated. I closed my computer, put in my bag and walked outside. This is when it hit me. I looked out on the gorgeous surrounding hills and down to the green trees aligning the river bank where I could picture the monkeys playing by the riverside and then it hit me, it’s bigger than me.

It’s bigger than me, guess what, regardless of what I do, it’s bigger than me. These kids are going to fine, and do great things regardless if I am here or not, my family will be alright with me at long distances for long periods of time. How ridiculous of me think my little decisions are going swing God's plans, we're in this together and dang its never all my decision. God’s kingdom will be restored regardless if I’m going to take part or not. The weight of justice in the world is not on me. It’s out of my hands. I have ”metanoya” repented of the ways of this world. I am thinking about things in a whole new light. I am a kingdom person. I am in the business of renewal, bringing heaven on earth. I have a pretty good idea of what that looks like but God’s story is much bigger than I am and I’m not sure where I belong and I’m ok with it. I must admit, this revelation has brought me a new refined peace in life. It’s ok that I don’t know where I’m going to fit or how exactly I am helping to bring heaven on earth but I know what it looks like and if I follow the heart that God has given me and listen to the words that he speaks to me then I have no doubt that I receive the joy that I am shouting about and bring heaven closer to earth.

(credit to Sus)